The Hardest Thing I've Had to Share

I don't quite know how to start..........I hadn't yet posted about the 25th Anniversary Lighthouse Challenge we completed because we were planning to be away for a few days visiting friends that had moved last summer to their new home in Pennsylvania.  I had worked ahead a couple days on the birds of Birdtober and we had just finished a project that we were going to take with us as the whimsical part of a housewarming gift.  Most of our things were ready to go in the car the next morning, but during the night, HWNSNBP - Thad, my husband and love of my life had a heart attack and passed away.  I won't go into the details of the emergency call and everything that happened here early that morning.  It was distressing and heartbreaking and I still haven't accepted it.  There were so many plans that he/we had for the future.  He was only 70 and none of us, family, friends, coworkers have been anything less than shocked.  He was unselfish in the love and caring he gave all of us, thinking of others always before himself.  He was my best friend, lover, confidant, care giver, and jokingly my box man, pool boy, and gardener.  There was very little that he wouldn't do for me if anything.  I miss the kiss in the morning when I came down the stairs and him saying "I'll be waiting for you" when he went up at night.  And so much more.

The kids came up right away and helped with as much as they could before they had to go home.  Telling the oldest grandsons was the hardest for them - they loved their dad and papa immensely and knew he loved them.  They helped to plan a pizza party celebration of his life at a favorite restaurant with our very closest friends and family members - something he would have loved.  Many came back to the house afterwards and shared stories that made us all both laugh and cry.  And all of them reminded us of how much he was loved and will be missed.

I'm muddling my way through paperwork and getting all those loose ends tied up.  It's been quite mind-numbing, especially since I also have to take care of settling my mother's affairs - she passed away three days after Thad did.  She was 93 and had had a stroke several months ago.  She died peacefully at home where she lived with my brothers who had been attending to her since she came home from rehab.  

My children check in with me regularly and my friends have been so supportive and are helping me with a lot.   I am lucky to have such a great network surrounding me right now as I begin to navigate through this hole in my life.  

On Tuesday morning - one week after he had passed - I had to get up early so that my son and I could go to the Social Security office to attend to the survivor benefits.  Normally I'm not up and dressed that early unless I have somewhere to go.  I happened to be standing by the kitchen sink quickly having something to eat before we left and looked out into the back yard.  One of the things on our "bucket list" of living here was to see an eagle in our yard.  That morning I did.

He flew from a tree in our yard to the neighbor's and stayed there long enough for me to get my good camera with the zoom to take pictures.  It was the white tail and head that caught my attention. Do you believe in signs?  I think this was a gift from him.  My grandsons will remember him when they see a cardinal - the red bird they said to me.  Those that knew him will remember the time he spent volunteering at The Raptor Trust and the way he lit up when he told people about the bluebirds nesting in our yard.  They, the bluebirds,  have been tapping on the windows looking for him.

I have no more words right now - I just want one more hug and to be able to tell him again that I love him.

Obituary

This was the last project we worked on together - I decided to keep it.